Friday, September 26, 2014

After one year of being Mrs..

Exactly a year ago, we were in Taiwan taking our bridal photoshoot after ROM. That was still the relatively carefree part of our lives. Then, I did not know the wedding reception was going to be even busier than the ROM.

It has been a year since we said our vows (the very last minute vow which we just copy and paste from the internet the night before the ROM). So how is this newlyweds doing? Still loving and arguing every now and then like any other couple. 

I decided to blog about what I have been battling with since half a year ago.

The hormone treatment is a horrible process! I am at the last lap of the second 3-month dosage, but I probably need to wait another painful half a year or more before we can try to have a baby. The mood swing is terrible. I feel like snapping at every single person who pissed me off. I perspire once the temperature hits 24 degree C. Sometimes, I feel I will melt even if I am at the middle of North Pole. The worst part was the depression which I hate to admit I have it. I will cry over blunt comments and take offense in every criticism.It is as if the whole world hates me.

And the worst of the worst issue is the thought of having a baby. I feel like I can wait no more and I want to give up. To make matter worst, friends around my age or younger are getting married. The Facebook newsfeed shows their happy faces of "positive" news and beautiful baby bumps - and most of them were married less than 6 months or were married after me. 

Don't get me wrong, I am really happy for them and I pray for their happiness and their new journey into parenthood. However,moments later, I will be pouring bucket of tears on the bed. When my husband comes home, I will cry and beg him to delete the facebook account for me or reset the password (which he never do despite agreeing to it). Why I did not delete the account myself, you ask? Hormones should be a good answer. As I mentioned, I cry over shittest-illogical matters.

I prayed every night, asking God will we be ready once this whole horrible injections stuff is gone from my body. I stare at the calender everyday. The wait is painful.

I am very thankful for my colleagues. They knew I wanted a baby and assured me all these I am going through is pretty common. The teachers welcome me to carry the babies in the infant care. The Aunty will carry the cutest and fattest baby and say my baby will look chubby too next time if I always carry them now- if I want a girl carry a girl, if I want a boy carry a boy, if I want twins carry twins (how I wish such choice were so easy to get). They were concern for my health and despite the leaves. I always fear I would be sacked if I continue falling sick but the director and principal were very understanding. I never lost a single temper at work or with the kids despite the sever mood swings, because everyone there is always happy.

My husband wants the baby, probably looking forward more than me. He is a lot more patient in waiting and handling my mood swings at the same time. I cannot ask for a better husband than him. While people say there is a honeymoon period after marriage, we have been struggling with my nightmare tantrums and nothing was honeymooney about our first married year. We focus on the bright side of life and use this as an opportunity to make full use of our time together to bond and know each other better.

If you are reading this and you are going through the same thing as me right now, I am the one who is also praying everyday for a baby, you're not the odd one out amongst your friends.

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