3 months of breastfeeding

Just about three months ago, I told myself just fully bf baby for 3 months, then start him on formula.

Why I said that?

Because I thought my supply was low. Right from the beginning I direct latch Matty since birth. It started out right at the beginning.The nurse squeeze my breast after giving birth and I saw the wonderful yellow liquid! The brought baby Matty to me and he latched immediately (correct latch too).

He suckle for a damn long time from first night. Whenever he cries I nurse till I am too tired and the nurse will bring him away.  Maybe because I had to take painkiller for my episiotomy, I didn't feel pain from breastfeeding. Second day, my nipples were sore and I was still CONSTANTLY latching baby, even at home.

When he was 3-weeks-old, I was crying almost every. My nipples hurt damn bad. I had milk blisters. My breasts feel soft all the time and I thought Matty wasn't having enough because he was always yelling for my boobs. I ignored his cry, I yelled at my mum and husband to make formula milk all the time. I was badly sleep deprived (probably now too).

My mum is from a generation where formula milk was promoted to be better than breastfeeding. She has very little knowledge on it. Despite her own initial belief that formula milk is the same or maybe better, she supported me in my bf journey. She listened to my explanations and followed my instructions on how to handle breastmilk. She even read up on confinement recipe for breastfeeding mothers before Matty was born. Whenever I want to give up she just told me to go on a bit more since I almost reached a month. My hubby was supportive too and refused to give fm even when I begged him to do so. He waited till I calm down a little and brought the poor crying baby to me and I remember him saying "Matty says 'sorry', he promised to be a good boy and be nice to mummy when he grows up."

My hubby's two grandmas came and when they heard I am breastfeeding they said 人奶很好！

towards the end of October, this was my night output (both breasts combined). I took this picture because this was the first time I can actually see milk in the bottle. Usually just a few drops.

This was my first bag which I put in the freezer. Was so damn happy I took picture of it :)

I still felt I am a low-supply mummy because others are pumping at least 100ml per session. Some can go up to 400ml per session. However, it is not low-supply. I am providing just enough for my baby because I direct-latch him. I did not pump to stimulate more milk but only pump once a day after his last feed at night. Pumping amount is NOT the actual amount you are producing.

Few days ago I pump because we were trying to bottle feed baby. Each pump session about 10-15mins. Still not that impressive 400ml some mummies produced. However, I do not have frequent engorged problems.

After 1 month, I was one of the lucky mummies to have a breastmilk keepsake handmade by Ryo, just need to pay for the materials and courier fee. I also order a customised locket from her.

I received the parcel yesterday with two fabulous boxes.

This is the first keepsake Ryo "experimented" on. Lovely milk swirl charm and jade with gold flakes charm tinted with my breastmilk.

A brushed locket with Matty's name, and the cross to show the faith I put in God to provide the best for my son. It is difficult to tell if Matty is having enough by just direct latching, so I prayed about it.

Here's Matty, growing strong and healthy!

Matthias - gift from God

IIt has been almost 2 months since I gave birth but did not have the time to update in my blog. 

I had a smooth and painless labour (I had epidural at 2cm) on 7th Oct. Baby's head was big but he managed to get out somehow. I just let the Nurses and Doctors do what they need to do and follow instructions. I did not prepare myself much for labour. I took two naps. Was woken up the second time to know that I can start pushing as I was 10cm dilated! Even when I was pushing I could not feel anything but somehow I managed to use the correct muscle to push.

My gynae is Dr Tan YG from Raffles Hospital. I didn't suffer any pain from the episiotomy, his stitching skill is really good. I am very whiny and have Low tolerance of pain so I am glad the healing process from birth have been rather painless. The Nurses are very friendly and they are supportive of breastfeeding of course. Love how they make husbands bathe the babies! Giving thumbs up for birth experience at Raffles Hospital.

My confinement went by smoothly, with my mum helping me out. I miss her cooking during pregnancy, so I have no complains on my confinement except I will never order confinement tingkat again. I prefer my mum's cooking. 

Did I lose weight after giving birth? Only lost half, 6 kg to go to reach pre pregnancy weight. Under my mum's care she doesn't allow me to eat normal portion; I have to eat giant meals. My mil also prepare soup for me, how to lose weight with all the good food? However my tummy was almost flat (just flabby) by the first week. I did not do any post-natal massage because no money. Breastfeeding helps me to burn off those extra fats. Matty is an aggressive drinker too. Still, I need to exercise soon to get rid of the flabby part left.

Breastfeeding - need to blog about this next time. Shed so much tears over it. Haha! Don't worry, my post natal blue is over.

Oh, I wasn't prepared to spent so much shopping online during confinement. Baby can nurse up to more than an hour hence the excessive usage of mobile phone to shop. In my Defence, I bought things I needed for nursing! Not for myself!

I think my baby is growing too fast. I don't mind rewinding back to the time I first heard his cry and having him in my arms for the first time. I haven't sleep for more than 4 hours since giving birth. Mostly one hour naps or less. However I enjoyed every moment with my boy.

Our first BFP

I have a happy news to share:

We are going to have a baby!!

After one year of no period I thought I will need to wait longer to try for a baby. So there was no symptom in the first couple of weeks. I was on two rounds of different antibiotics due to a minor eyelid surgery and a UTI that follows after. I was clueless I am having something growing inside me.

After having no period for a year, everyone asked me how I knew I was pregnant at week 4. It started with  dream early in the morning- I was looking at a pregnancy kit with a faint line. When I went to work, my boss said I was glowing. Later that late afternoon, a student pretending to be a doctor told me there is a baby inside me. At night, I broke a bottle of red wine. After linking all these events together, my husband asked me to take the test and viola! A positive line!

After one year of being Mrs..

Exactly a year ago, we were in Taiwan taking our bridal photoshoot after ROM. That was still the relatively carefree part of our lives. Then, I did not know the wedding reception was going to be even busier than the ROM.

It has been a year since we said our vows (the very last minute vow which we just copy and paste from the internet the night before the ROM). So how is this newlyweds doing? Still loving and arguing every now and then like any other couple. 

I decided to blog about what I have been battling with since half a year ago.

The hormone treatment is a horrible process! I am at the last lap of the second 3-month dosage, but I probably need to wait another painful half a year or more before we can try to have a baby. The mood swing is terrible. I feel like snapping at every single person who pissed me off. I perspire once the temperature hits 24 degree C. Sometimes, I feel I will melt even if I am at the middle of North Pole. The worst part was the depression which I hate to admit I have it. I will cry over blunt comments and take offense in every criticism.It is as if the whole world hates me.

And the worst of the worst issue is the thought of having a baby. I feel like I can wait no more and I want to give up. To make matter worst, friends around my age or younger are getting married. The Facebook newsfeed shows their happy faces of "positive" news and beautiful baby bumps - and most of them were married less than 6 months or were married after me. 

Don't get me wrong, I am really happy for them and I pray for their happiness and their new journey into parenthood. However,moments later, I will be pouring bucket of tears on the bed. When my husband comes home, I will cry and beg him to delete the facebook account for me or reset the password (which he never do despite agreeing to it). Why I did not delete the account myself, you ask? Hormones should be a good answer. As I mentioned, I cry over shittest-illogical matters.

I prayed every night, asking God will we be ready once this whole horrible injections stuff is gone from my body. I stare at the calender everyday. The wait is painful.

I am very thankful for my colleagues. They knew I wanted a baby and assured me all these I am going through is pretty common. The teachers welcome me to carry the babies in the infant care. The Aunty will carry the cutest and fattest baby and say my baby will look chubby too next time if I always carry them now- if I want a girl carry a girl, if I want a boy carry a boy, if I want twins carry twins (how I wish such choice were so easy to get). They were concern for my health and despite the leaves. I always fear I would be sacked if I continue falling sick but the director and principal were very understanding. I never lost a single temper at work or with the kids despite the sever mood swings, because everyone there is always happy.

My husband wants the baby, probably looking forward more than me. He is a lot more patient in waiting and handling my mood swings at the same time. I cannot ask for a better husband than him. While people say there is a honeymoon period after marriage, we have been struggling with my nightmare tantrums and nothing was honeymooney about our first married year. We focus on the bright side of life and use this as an opportunity to make full use of our time together to bond and know each other better.

If you are reading this and you are going through the same thing as me right now, I am the one who is also praying everyday for a baby, you're not the odd one out amongst your friends.